To backtrack to the very near future and use a different metaphor, the light of motivation has been lit, and tomorrow will witness me own my cross training (and get a good portion of summer homework done...) Continue to chase joy.
Friday, August 23, 2013
One of Those Days...
Sometimes I just have those days where good things seem far outside the spectrum of possibility. Life seems to slow to a crawl as I sit on the couch in unprecedented levels of boredom. Then the gloom sets in. Why am I living like this? Aren't teenagers supposed to be popular? Good looking? Hang out with friends all the time? Why is everyone else so happy without me around? Why do the twitter/Facebook/Instagram accounts of teens and college kids always show them being cool at a party or just being cool with other cool people? Is it possible that they are simply trying to make themselves look more impressive, and do not party nearly as often as their social media accounts would suggest? Or is there truly a gap in "coolness" between myself and the rest of my demographic? Perhaps it is that people seem so daunting, so unattainably cool, good-looking, and perfect, because of my own anxiety and insecurity? Days of nothingness force me to sit on the couch and think about shit like that, which I'd rather not even consider. As the day stretches out in front of me and the possibilities to do things dangle in front of me, it is only on a day like this that the motivation fades into depression at the thought of another wasted day of youth. On a more positive note, it takes a near perfect storm to create a day like today. I need to be unable to run, as the chemical formulas that have been so carefully adjusted by my body to handle the stress of daily training betray me and I just do not feel quite right, physically or mentally (read: fat and unhappy.) I also have to be alone to have one of these days. The company of others is generally soothing to me, as it gives me something to do besides wallow in my own insecurities. Now, with my injury, cross training has become the norm, and I have slowly come to enjoy cycling, as my body has gotten used to it. The plan for today was to do two sessions of pool running, but in my melancholia, which I've explained in this post, I did exactly zero. Running might suck, but cross training sucks more (I can't think of something more outrageously monotonous or melancholic than making a running motion by oneself in a dark, cold, pond in the morning, at probably .025 miles per hour.) On days like these, running seems so far away that it's hard to even bear the thought of cross training. Hope slowly erodes away with each minute I sit on the couch and eat, until I am in a state of complete lethargy and lack the motivation to do anything, let alone train. Now there is no hope for me, in running, or in life. What has become of me? Life has crushed me to the point of bitterness in three short years, otherwise known as high school. I might as well take in a bunch of cats, grow a scraggily bead, and retire to the mountains right now to live out the rest of my days in more solidarity. But then I begin to play the music. The soulful, melodic tones of OneRepublic begin to sooth the heart, and then the pulsating beats of various up-tempo songs infuse my very being with excitement. Suddenly life has meaning again! For tomorrow is another day, and life is ripe with possibilities! The seed of hope is in bloom once more, as there are new people to meet and new titles to win! Tomorrow WILL be mine, and no one can stop me! For the ability to run shall return in three short days, and in less than one year, I will be off to college, and will be greeted by thousands of young people with new perspectives, hopefully a few dozen who share my interests, and perhaps one of the opposite sex, whom is reasonably compatible with my weirdness and brings me more joy than I have yet experienced on this earth... Ah, the wonders of the younger! The ability to hope and dream is a beautiful thing.